What Your Shoes Say About You: A Completely Opinionated Analysis

I know what you're thinking. A blog post about shoe types and personality? Yeah, yeah, I am a sellout. This does sound like something Buzzfeed did, or probably will post in the near future. But, deep down, you are a bit curious. Somewhere, furrowed beneath layers of originality, is an inquisitive heart looking for identity clues. And the brand of shoe you choose to wear on your foot everyday is directly correlated to the type of person you are. Science says so. I happen to love what people express through their clothing choices, even if the message sent forth is somewhat strange or unorthodox. Shoes, the huggers of feet, are especially telling to a persons's essence. I will now present to you my own personal shoe-ology, in hopes that it will one day be an established field of study.

1. Flippy-Floppys

Flip Flops mean that it is summer, and any additional material covering your body will be the death of you. If these are the only shoes you wear, year round, you might be an avid shopper at CVS or Walgreens. I have no judgement about this; plenty of people buy clothing from drugstores. They have great underwear that sometimes fits as well. (I apologize for that bit of over-sharing). If you wear flip flops a lot, you probably enjoy the ease of slipping your foot into a shoe so quickly. Shoelaces can be quite the obstacle.  

2. Flip Flops with Socks 

Please go see a doctor. This is wrong on every level. Flip flops with socks means you have exactly 0% of your life figured out.  

3. Adidas sandals 

I hope you're taking a shower. But if this is your footwear of choice, you are probably a high school boy. You either play soccer or smoke a lot of cigarettes. I am willing to bet that you probably wear these with socks and long shorts, and eat an obscene amount of Chipotle. If you are a girl, you might be going for #normcore, and if this is the case, good luck to you.  

4. Toms shoes 

If you wear Toms, you are probably a college student who wanted to feel like they were helping others, while also getting a trendy pair of shoes. Toms are somewhat elusive in the fair that they have an air of hipstered individuality to them, especially in their endless variety of designs, colors, and patterns. That being said, they are still wildly popular in 16-25 age bracket. So, Toms wearer, you're probably not a hipster, but kind of want to feel like one sometimes. We've all been there. If your Toms have something really specific on them, like a periodic table or Elsa from Frozen, your shoe choice probably has less to do with the Toms aspect, and more to do with Potassium or Letting it Go.  Just a thought. 

5. Vans shoes

You're most likely from California and wear a lot of basic colors. You might skateboard and/or enjoy outdoor concerts. The possibility of your hair being died an unnatural color is pretty high, but it is not guaranteed. A significant portion of Vans wearers are instead Taylor Swift fans looking for shoes similar to Keds. And those are the people I want to befriend.  

6. Running Shoes

I get it, you are super athletic. Stop making me feel bad about using my dumbbells to crush Oreos for pie instead of actually working out. If you wear running shoes with bootcut jeans, you might be from Colorado. ( I will love you from a distance) You also have had some experience with farming or ranching. If you are wearing running shoes with fancy clothing, you might be a grandmother or a fashion editor. I don't know why this look is in fashion right now, but it is. Reference below.  

Fashion gets weird, a lot. 

7. Ballet flats

You are probably the president of something. Headbands are your "thing" and you've seen a least a couple seasons of Gossip Girl. You most likely don't do ballet, but appreciate the art form. I would guess that you walk a lot, and you are probably about 5'2", but do not care enough to wear heels. If you are wearing flats to a dance, your date is short. (The prom pictures will look awkward regardless). 

8. Stretchy platform sandals

YOU ARE FROM THE 90'S. You watch Mary Kate and Ashely videos on repeat and own several pairs of tinted sunglasses. Your stick-on earrings match your choker, AND your fuzzy wrist-slap bracelet. You documented this fact with multi-colored gel pens your Lisa Frank journal while listening to "Oops! I did it again" or the Rugrats in Paris soundtrack on your boombox. You have all the Pokemon cards in existence, but these are mostly just bargaining chips get all the spiky-haired, bleach-blonde Jasons in your life to chase you. Get the picture? Duh. 

9. Platform 4 in.+ high heels

If you are wearing shoes THIS high, one of three things is happening: 1. You are a celebrity, and you have someone to carry you most places. 2. You have a questionable night profession 3. You are sixteen, love bondage dresses, and have terrible self-esteem issues. If the latter, rest assured that you don't need these clownish club shoes to be beautiful. If you wear these, you might live under the delusion that you can walk confidently in them. You can't. I bet you thought they would be comfortable when you tried them on in a carpeted department store. And I guarantee those buggers will be off your feet by the end of the night. Or like, twenty minutes into dinner. Or the second you walk on hard concrete. The sad reality is that you, more often than not, look as uncomfortable as you feel. On the off-chance you do look calm, cool, and collected in these dementors of footwear, you might be a trained assassin.  Kudos to you, Carmen San Diego, wherever you are.

10. T-strap heels

Sidenote: I teared up a little when I saw these beautiful Modcloth shoes.  

If you wear t-strap heels, you are adorable. Congratulations.  You probably like old black-and-white movies and participated heavily in your theater program. These shoes are a staple of your wardrobe solely (ha!) because they remind you of your character shoes. (Which you also wear in in public). You can do a perfect Charleston.  You stalk the Modcloth website for vintage clothes on the regular. If you wear these shoes,  I like you. a lot.

11. Crocs

Whenever I see someone with Crocs on day or night, and let's face it (nobody) should wear Crocs day or night, my tender heart tends to start to bleed... All Galinda-ing aside, I tried to have sympathy for the Crocs-wearers. I could almost grant admonition if you are a nurse or under the age of four. But even then, there are other shoes out there. Beautiful shoes with bows and buttons and ombre laces, among other things. Crocs are just too similar to Donald Duck's feet mixed with a watering can, and they are edible, which is just weird. If you wear crocs, you just haven't seen enough of the world. You don't know what it's like to feel flirty and thriving. Crocs are like the Taco Bell of shoes: it seems convenient, but don't forget you are consuming the lowest grade meat possible. You should love yourself more than that.    

12. Whatever... these are...

Fun fact, these are sold out right now. If you wear these barbie head wedges, you might be in need of a new creative outlet. You wear probably the girl that set your own dolls on fire as a child. A female Sid from Toy Story, if I may. You most likely wore these shoes to a niche interest convention, or found them appropriate for the office. At any rate, maybe its time to look into less violent options? 

I know my thoughts and ideas on your footwear might be far off the beaten path of reality, but I can assure you they are a melting pot of my observations and my overactive imagination. If you have any other types of shoes you would like me to critique, hit me up with a comment or a message! I am always open to suggestions. Happy July, friends! 

P.S. If anyone has any topic suggestions they would like me to write on, I am open to that as well. Thanks, y'all! 

Whimsically,

Katie 

Disney Wedding Inspiration! (Villain Edition)

If you know me, you know I am very fond of weddings. Having spent a wonderful semester interning for a wedding DIY video service (called Weddingmix, look it up if you or a loved one are getting married!), I have taken in quite an influx of pictures and inspiration related to that one special day. The wedding industry in one which thrives off of the sharing of ideas spanning from blog to blog to online forum to app and back to blog again. A detail I found very common among the different blogs I researched was the creation of boards surrounding a central theme. Some arrangements were as simple as the color mint, while others portrayed complexities like "rustic-vintage-DIY-elegant-barn wedding."Another crowd favorite was to take the magic of Disney and juice it into a wedding extravaganza. Seriously, who doesn't love a Disney Princess Wedding? I however, feel that a very important population of Disney characters have been overlooked in the wedding industry: the villains.  These powerful figures are just as magical, and more often than not, have a bigger flair for the dramatic. I think every bride wants her wedding to have that special evil touch. To prove my point, I've compiled a list of fabulous wedding dresses, inspired by those founders of atrocity beloved since childhood. These dresses can transform a blushing bride into the wicked devil-woman she truly is.  Now who wants to raise their glass to that?

1.  Cruella DeVille

The greatest thing about this wedding dress is the black splotches. They are reminiscent of that time when Cruella wanted to skin not one, not one hundred, but one hundred and one dalmatians for that beautiful fur coat of hers. She might not have gotten away with it, but this bride certainly did! If 101 dead puppies doesn't scream eternal love, I don't know what does. Any bride can capture the sexy-scary look with this asymmetrical ball gown, because if she doesn't scare you... no evil thing will.  

2. Lady Tremaine 

I had to search long and hard to find a wedding dress worth enough to convey the modest beauty of this wretched she-thing.  Lady Tremaine is known for her cold, upright, exterior, but this puffy-sleeved high collared gown might just melt her heart. Deliciously expensive, the gown is reserved solely for the upper class. A classic 80's number like the one above is the perfect way to say "clean the mansion" with authority. There's no way in hell Cinderella is getting into this wedding. She's far too basic to appreciate the elegance, fairy god-mother or not. 

3. Queen of Hearts

If the Queen of Hearts is one thing, it's scrappy.  While initially appearing sweet and innocent, there is a fiery devil lurking just beneath the surface.  She will yell and fight until she gets what she wants. And by the looks of this scandalous pink wedding gown, someone else screamed and hollered until she got her way as well. The heart-shaped bodice sweetly point to true love alive on a wedding day, and sexy cut-outs are a great reminder of who is in charge. This bride knows she's queen; the piles of ruffles and hearts are just the icing atop a very glamorous cake. While it is risky to wear a colored wedding dress, she has a whole bridal party to defend her choices.  Any contenders will be beheaded.  

4. The Shadow-Man

The Princess and the Frog villain can mesmerize anybody with his voodoo magic, but none is as spellbinding as this hatted wedding look.  The fabric choices at play are confusing enough to charm the pants off all of the wedding guests.  A top hat is adds a touch of whimsy, but is also powerfully bewitching on its own.  Every man should be afraid of a bride's enchanting beauty, and this structured dress and hat do just that.  The only frogs this lady will be kissing are the sexy kind. (Disclaimer: I'm not really sure what kind of frog that is.)

5. Ursula

It is pretty unclear as to why this wedding dress exists, but I am very glad it does. How else would Ursula's captivating tentacles be properly represented? This wedding dress is perfect for anyone who's ever wished they had more than two arms.  Those elegant apparatuses are the best way to wrap the groom up in love! For a final detail, the crown on top of her hair beautiful symbolizes Ursula's underwater mane.  The dress above is ideal for a beach wedding; it's flowy and simple. Walking around in the sand will be a breeze! Ursula famously said to never underestimate the power of body language.  With a dress like this, a bride can write an entirely new dialect.  

6. Yzma

The Emperor's New Groove diva is so fabulous that she has two bridal followers! Yzma, fondly remembered as being scary beyond all reason, is unashamedly herself. She has a penchant for wild collars and capes that emphasize her authority as Kuzco's replacement. A balloon dress is just the type of drama Yzma would crave, with an elaborate caped portion to highlight a beautifully aged face.  Or, if a circular mono-wing is not preferred, a spiked headdress will certainly showcase one's regal nature. After all, the bride is the only one that matters on the wedding day. There might as well be spikes and decorations emanating from her. The sole cause for concern is a sassy rodent popping the brides bubble, but this can be easily resolved with simple-minded bodyguard who speaks squirrel. 

7.  Hades

Hades might be Lord of the Underworld, but any bride would look positively heavenly in this fiery number. This wedding dress is one part HotWheels and the other part timeless. The fallen god Hades was remembered for his intensity and determination to rule all, which exactly what the dress above accomplishes with ease. Fire represents anger, but it also symbolizes passion, and a burning love can only be matched by a dress in flames.This bride is too hot to be chained down! She's ready to be whisked away on a winged chariot. Anyone would be lucky to wear this merchandise on their wedding day; Hercules' sneakers and sippy cups pale in comparison.  

8. Mike Wazowski (or Boo)

I know Mike Wazowski is not a disney villain, but he is often overlooked, and this wedding dress contraption was too beautiful to pass up. While I am not entirely sure what the circular apparatus on that woman is supposed to represent, it inarguably looks myopic. Add in the two horns on the side and you've got a dead ringer for this friendly monster. A dress like this is perfect for turning laughs into renewable energy. Fear not, nobody is laughing at the bride, but with her. Honestly, the more one looks at the dress, the more beautiful and evolved it becomes. Beauty and functionality are blended effortlessly to create this one-of-a kind look. Sully is usually the best at everything, but today he takes second in the wedding style category.  

I am sure there are innumerable wedding dresses in existence that explore the elements of design and imagination, but these were my favorites of today! I sincerely hope any of those budding brides out there could gain some new ideas for a beautifully wayward Disney look. Keep your eyes peeled for even more fashionable wedding dresses! I'll be hunting a for Maleficent style in honor of the new movie. Stay sassy, friends!

Sky Mall Magazine: An In-Depth Look

In tune with the holiday season, I have done quite a bit of traveling lately.  My fellow readers will be pleased to note that finally, for the first time in what seems like my entire life, my flight out of O'hare did not get delayed. Not even for an hour. With a newfound freedom of daytime flying, I was able to achieve so much more than a grumpy nap with a jacket-turned-blanket and iPod shuffle.  I used my two and a half hours time and an abundance of natural light to my advantage by reading the Sky Mall magazine from cover to cover.  I know I will not be the first, or the last, person to say this, but there really is a lot of bizarre and worthless crap between those pages.  Following the typical Katie fashion, I comprised a list of the ten worst things in the Sky Mall magazine, as well as the three best products.

1. Lip Enhancers:

Basically they are little tubey apparatuses that you put on your lips to make them look fuller.  Now maybe I'm just cynical because I have no need for these things, but how is this supposed to work?  Either you'd be permanently set in the duck face, or have a charming red imprint in your skin.  I don't understand.

2. Travel Hoodie Pillow

I wish I was kidding. Who would want to wear this? While I agree that neck pillows can be comfortable and therapeutic, that does not mean they can be used a hip fashion accessory.  A hood is usually a sign of mystery or bad-assedness, but the pillow kills all hope for those dreams coming true.  In the words of Princess Mia in my favorite movie of all time, "If I'm not enough of a freak, let's add a tiara!" Or, more appropriately, "If I don't look like enough of a freak in a neck pillow, let's add a hood!" Perhaps this style could be appropriate in theatrical costuming. I am sure Darth Vader would love a hoodie-pillow; I cannot imagine anyone would want to sleep in that helmet all night.  In any case, this weird contraption will definitely turn everyone's head, except for the wearer.  They are pretty restricted by the plush horse-blinders.

3. NetChef

This is a digital archive of recipes and tutorials, and it allows you to share your cooking wisdom via social media.  NetChef would be really cool, if laptops did not exist.  Not only is this thing hideous, but extraordinarily unnecessary.  I looked it up online to see the reviews, and there weren't any.  I presume this is because nobody wants to pay $300 dollars for a machine they already have.

4. One of a Kind Shirt

Oh my.  This product is cool in theory, but judging by the catalogue pictures, it will be abused.  I would love to live in a world were one chooses cool fabrics that work together to make an shirt that is both interesting and aesthetically pleasing.  Unfortunately, I know far too well that the One of a Kind shirt service will simply be a vehicle to make hideous mens' shirts that end up in the back rooms of thrift stores, thanks to the pleading of angry wives everywhere. This button-down is only appropriate for a clown convention.  Seriously, save my eyes from this visual trauma.

5. Grimlock Costume Hoodie

No adult should be wearing this.  Halloween is the one exception. I pray to God that there is not a high demand for this. I think a dinosaur-head hood is even more dysfunctional than the hoodie pillow. NO.

6. Cami Wraps Bra pocket

You clip these to your bra and then put crap in it.  As a female, I understand the pain the accompanies the absence of pockets on skirts, dresses, and even pants.  That being said, THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION.  I don't know any woman that wants to look like they have a lumpy uniboob.  And especially one in Pink Skeleton or Love and Kisses.  I honestly feel sad for anyone who has purchased on of these.  This is for all the ladies out there: you are not a pack mule! You deserve better than to pile your phone, keys, and lipstick in your frontal region like a human kangaroo.  Even a fanny pack would be better.

7. Men's Fingerprint Crew T-Shirt

You know the model in the photo is only wearing this because he was paid to.  Who really wants a shirt with their unique fingerprint on it? It looks like everyone else's fingerprint.  And it is really stupid.

8. Mathematical Expressions Clock

Ok.  Telling time is already hard enough.  WHY MAKE IT WORSE WITH MATH?  I recognize I might be alone in my opinion because some people like math, but this is actually my worst nightmare.  Telling time should be quick and efficient, not a mental challenge. I am Katie, and I understand exactly 0% of this clock.

9. Mounted Squirrel Head

 I'll admit, a small part of me kind of wants this because it is so weird, but let's face it, this is SO WEIRD.  It doesn't even look that much like a squirrel, and I get the feeling that the target audience for this product is serial killers and adult children living in their parents' basements.  The only decor that a mounted squirrel head would go with is... well, I actually cannot think of anything...

10. This cat t-shirt

This is a close-up on a cat t-shirt I found in the magazine. This shirt is the physical manifestation of hitting rock bottom. Those featured on My Strange Addiction undoubtedly have the above cat shirt, in several colors.  I am actually upset that people buy this.  Cat obsessors, GO OUTSIDE.

I never like to leave things hanging on a bad note, so I included some of my favorite items in Sky Mall as well.

1. Sippy Wine Glass

An adult spin on an old classic.  You have to admit this is kind of awesome and hilarious.  It's nice to have a sippy when you're getting a little tippy.

2. Harry Potter Remote Control Wand

This has so much going for it.  First off, Harry Potter is awesome.  And Secondly, it's magic for muggles! Just like every boy and girl of the Generation HP, I was saddened when I did not receive a letter to attend Hogwarts.  But with this nifty invention, I can still feel like a member of wizarding world.  And finally, the lazy college student in me delights at any excuse to stay on the couch.

3. Bug Vacuum Hand-Held Electronic Insect Trap

WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE THIS? Honestly, if someone wants to get me one of these for Christmas, I would be very grateful.  Yes, I realize this is very similar to a regular vacuum, but if you've ever had a spider on your ceiling, you know why this invention is crucial.  I like that you can keep your distance, while still eliminating those eight-legged demons.  And it kind of looks like a light saber, which is cool.
So, there you have it.  I perused SkyMall, so you don't have to.  Think of it as SparkNotes: Shopping edition.  Have Merry Christmas, everyone!

Whimsically,
Katie