Sky Mall Magazine: An In-Depth Look

In tune with the holiday season, I have done quite a bit of traveling lately.  My fellow readers will be pleased to note that finally, for the first time in what seems like my entire life, my flight out of O'hare did not get delayed. Not even for an hour. With a newfound freedom of daytime flying, I was able to achieve so much more than a grumpy nap with a jacket-turned-blanket and iPod shuffle.  I used my two and a half hours time and an abundance of natural light to my advantage by reading the Sky Mall magazine from cover to cover.  I know I will not be the first, or the last, person to say this, but there really is a lot of bizarre and worthless crap between those pages.  Following the typical Katie fashion, I comprised a list of the ten worst things in the Sky Mall magazine, as well as the three best products.

1. Lip Enhancers:

Basically they are little tubey apparatuses that you put on your lips to make them look fuller.  Now maybe I'm just cynical because I have no need for these things, but how is this supposed to work?  Either you'd be permanently set in the duck face, or have a charming red imprint in your skin.  I don't understand.

2. Travel Hoodie Pillow

I wish I was kidding. Who would want to wear this? While I agree that neck pillows can be comfortable and therapeutic, that does not mean they can be used a hip fashion accessory.  A hood is usually a sign of mystery or bad-assedness, but the pillow kills all hope for those dreams coming true.  In the words of Princess Mia in my favorite movie of all time, "If I'm not enough of a freak, let's add a tiara!" Or, more appropriately, "If I don't look like enough of a freak in a neck pillow, let's add a hood!" Perhaps this style could be appropriate in theatrical costuming. I am sure Darth Vader would love a hoodie-pillow; I cannot imagine anyone would want to sleep in that helmet all night.  In any case, this weird contraption will definitely turn everyone's head, except for the wearer.  They are pretty restricted by the plush horse-blinders.

3. NetChef

This is a digital archive of recipes and tutorials, and it allows you to share your cooking wisdom via social media.  NetChef would be really cool, if laptops did not exist.  Not only is this thing hideous, but extraordinarily unnecessary.  I looked it up online to see the reviews, and there weren't any.  I presume this is because nobody wants to pay $300 dollars for a machine they already have.

4. One of a Kind Shirt

Oh my.  This product is cool in theory, but judging by the catalogue pictures, it will be abused.  I would love to live in a world were one chooses cool fabrics that work together to make an shirt that is both interesting and aesthetically pleasing.  Unfortunately, I know far too well that the One of a Kind shirt service will simply be a vehicle to make hideous mens' shirts that end up in the back rooms of thrift stores, thanks to the pleading of angry wives everywhere. This button-down is only appropriate for a clown convention.  Seriously, save my eyes from this visual trauma.

5. Grimlock Costume Hoodie

No adult should be wearing this.  Halloween is the one exception. I pray to God that there is not a high demand for this. I think a dinosaur-head hood is even more dysfunctional than the hoodie pillow. NO.

6. Cami Wraps Bra pocket

You clip these to your bra and then put crap in it.  As a female, I understand the pain the accompanies the absence of pockets on skirts, dresses, and even pants.  That being said, THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION.  I don't know any woman that wants to look like they have a lumpy uniboob.  And especially one in Pink Skeleton or Love and Kisses.  I honestly feel sad for anyone who has purchased on of these.  This is for all the ladies out there: you are not a pack mule! You deserve better than to pile your phone, keys, and lipstick in your frontal region like a human kangaroo.  Even a fanny pack would be better.

7. Men's Fingerprint Crew T-Shirt

You know the model in the photo is only wearing this because he was paid to.  Who really wants a shirt with their unique fingerprint on it? It looks like everyone else's fingerprint.  And it is really stupid.

8. Mathematical Expressions Clock

Ok.  Telling time is already hard enough.  WHY MAKE IT WORSE WITH MATH?  I recognize I might be alone in my opinion because some people like math, but this is actually my worst nightmare.  Telling time should be quick and efficient, not a mental challenge. I am Katie, and I understand exactly 0% of this clock.

9. Mounted Squirrel Head

 I'll admit, a small part of me kind of wants this because it is so weird, but let's face it, this is SO WEIRD.  It doesn't even look that much like a squirrel, and I get the feeling that the target audience for this product is serial killers and adult children living in their parents' basements.  The only decor that a mounted squirrel head would go with is... well, I actually cannot think of anything...

10. This cat t-shirt

This is a close-up on a cat t-shirt I found in the magazine. This shirt is the physical manifestation of hitting rock bottom. Those featured on My Strange Addiction undoubtedly have the above cat shirt, in several colors.  I am actually upset that people buy this.  Cat obsessors, GO OUTSIDE.

I never like to leave things hanging on a bad note, so I included some of my favorite items in Sky Mall as well.

1. Sippy Wine Glass

An adult spin on an old classic.  You have to admit this is kind of awesome and hilarious.  It's nice to have a sippy when you're getting a little tippy.

2. Harry Potter Remote Control Wand

This has so much going for it.  First off, Harry Potter is awesome.  And Secondly, it's magic for muggles! Just like every boy and girl of the Generation HP, I was saddened when I did not receive a letter to attend Hogwarts.  But with this nifty invention, I can still feel like a member of wizarding world.  And finally, the lazy college student in me delights at any excuse to stay on the couch.

3. Bug Vacuum Hand-Held Electronic Insect Trap

WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE THIS? Honestly, if someone wants to get me one of these for Christmas, I would be very grateful.  Yes, I realize this is very similar to a regular vacuum, but if you've ever had a spider on your ceiling, you know why this invention is crucial.  I like that you can keep your distance, while still eliminating those eight-legged demons.  And it kind of looks like a light saber, which is cool.
So, there you have it.  I perused SkyMall, so you don't have to.  Think of it as SparkNotes: Shopping edition.  Have Merry Christmas, everyone!

Whimsically,
Katie