A Rant Against Autocorrect

It is a typical fast-paced day, and I am trying to communicate with all of my friends, because I am insanely popular. (A time goes on, I become increasingly more aware of the demand for a sarcasm font.)  Typing furiously, I send multiple messages among the various channels of social media to which I have become shamelessly addicted.  I am actually surprised my phone has not combusted from overuse; it's radiating heat could cook a small meal.  Ready to hit send on my next beautifully crafted and cleverly hashtagged composition , I pause.  The word "aerosiky..." has soundlessly manifested itself into my precious tweet.  This is not right! This is not what I intended to communicate! Once again, the sneaky fiend that is autocorrect has left me in extreme babble.

I realize autocorrect has some astoundingly beneficial elements.  Sometimes, I do not quite get it all together, and like a good neighbor, autocorrect is there to save the day.  But for the most part, I find that autocorrect just changes all my letters, with so much potential, into mere baby-talk.  I have no clue where these non-words came from, but my autocorrect has an entire library full of them. And if that wasn't dysfunctional enough, these odd pairings of letters are replacing real words.  Nearly every time I try to type the word "because", autocorrect changes it to "becausephilososauce."  I can assure you this term was not of my own creation, leaving me hopelessly pondering its origins. Why does this happen? What kind of messed up spelling and grammar system is operating my phone? Not only is this completely unwarrented, but the amount of time I spend correcting my autocorrect is asinine.  I recognize it is horridly trivial to complain about something as minute as time wasted while wasting time on social media, but I would also be remiss in saying that it doesn't not irritate me. Every time I try and change autocorrect's idea of an appropriate sentence, it is such a power struggle.  I type, autocorrect alters. I backspace, try again, and once more I am rejected like a nerd asking a cheerleader to prom.  A modern Dora the Explorer would assert, "Swiper, no swapping!"It is only after numerous failed attempts do I remember I have to counterintuitively press the little X in the corner of Autocorrect's suggestion box.  I use the word 'suggestion' very generously; autocorrect has made itself very clear that my textual desires are secondary to its verbal tyranny.  This is totalitarianism in a new form.  Perhaps I want to be creative with my vocabulary, and write without restriction.  Autocorrect has a different plan.  Do not freedom of speech and press apply to iPhones? It is enough to drive a textaholic absolutely insane.

I have a dream of a world where we can fully express ourselves, free from the shackles of a controlling Autocorrectonomy.  Someday, we will be able to write what we mean, without feeling constricted by the ideas of a convoluted machine.  I imagine a place of expedited communications, in which autocorrect is used as a vehicle of assistance rather than total domination.  My goal here is not to eliminate autocorrect, but rather diminish its overwhelming ego.  I hope that one day, we will truly have freedom of text.
Until then, I guess I have to live with this. >

  Whimsically,
Katie