1. Flippy-Floppys
Flip Flops mean that it is summer, and any additional material covering your body will be the death of you. If these are the only shoes you wear, year round, you might be an avid shopper at CVS or Walgreens. I have no judgement about this; plenty of people buy clothing from drugstores. They have great underwear that sometimes fits as well. (I apologize for that bit of over-sharing). If you wear flip flops a lot, you probably enjoy the ease of slipping your foot into a shoe so quickly. Shoelaces can be quite the obstacle.
2. Flip Flops with Socks
Please go see a doctor. This is wrong on every level. Flip flops with socks means you have exactly 0% of your life figured out.
3. Adidas sandals
I hope you're taking a shower. But if this is your footwear of choice, you are probably a high school boy. You either play soccer or smoke a lot of cigarettes. I am willing to bet that you probably wear these with socks and long shorts, and eat an obscene amount of Chipotle. If you are a girl, you might be going for #normcore, and if this is the case, good luck to you.
4. Toms shoes
If you wear Toms, you are probably a college student who wanted to feel like they were helping others, while also getting a trendy pair of shoes. Toms are somewhat elusive in the fair that they have an air of hipstered individuality to them, especially in their endless variety of designs, colors, and patterns. That being said, they are still wildly popular in 16-25 age bracket. So, Toms wearer, you're probably not a hipster, but kind of want to feel like one sometimes. We've all been there. If your Toms have something really specific on them, like a periodic table or Elsa from Frozen, your shoe choice probably has less to do with the Toms aspect, and more to do with Potassium or Letting it Go. Just a thought.
5. Vans shoes
You're most likely from California and wear a lot of basic colors. You might skateboard and/or enjoy outdoor concerts. The possibility of your hair being died an unnatural color is pretty high, but it is not guaranteed. A significant portion of Vans wearers are instead Taylor Swift fans looking for shoes similar to Keds. And those are the people I want to befriend.
6. Running Shoes
I get it, you are super athletic. Stop making me feel bad about using my dumbbells to crush Oreos for pie instead of actually working out. If you wear running shoes with bootcut jeans, you might be from Colorado. ( I will love you from a distance) You also have had some experience with farming or ranching. If you are wearing running shoes with fancy clothing, you might be a grandmother or a fashion editor. I don't know why this look is in fashion right now, but it is. Reference below.
Fashion gets weird, a lot.
7. Ballet flats
You are probably the president of something. Headbands are your "thing" and you've seen a least a couple seasons of Gossip Girl. You most likely don't do ballet, but appreciate the art form. I would guess that you walk a lot, and you are probably about 5'2", but do not care enough to wear heels. If you are wearing flats to a dance, your date is short. (The prom pictures will look awkward regardless).
8. Stretchy platform sandals
YOU ARE FROM THE 90'S. You watch Mary Kate and Ashely videos on repeat and own several pairs of tinted sunglasses. Your stick-on earrings match your choker, AND your fuzzy wrist-slap bracelet. You documented this fact with multi-colored gel pens your Lisa Frank journal while listening to "Oops! I did it again" or the Rugrats in Paris soundtrack on your boombox. You have all the Pokemon cards in existence, but these are mostly just bargaining chips get all the spiky-haired, bleach-blonde Jasons in your life to chase you. Get the picture? Duh.
9. Platform 4 in.+ high heels
If you are wearing shoes THIS high, one of three things is happening: 1. You are a celebrity, and you have someone to carry you most places. 2. You have a questionable night profession 3. You are sixteen, love bondage dresses, and have terrible self-esteem issues. If the latter, rest assured that you don't need these clownish club shoes to be beautiful. If you wear these, you might live under the delusion that you can walk confidently in them. You can't. I bet you thought they would be comfortable when you tried them on in a carpeted department store. And I guarantee those buggers will be off your feet by the end of the night. Or like, twenty minutes into dinner. Or the second you walk on hard concrete. The sad reality is that you, more often than not, look as uncomfortable as you feel. On the off-chance you do look calm, cool, and collected in these dementors of footwear, you might be a trained assassin. Kudos to you, Carmen San Diego, wherever you are.
10. T-strap heels
Sidenote: I teared up a little when I saw these beautiful Modcloth shoes.
If you wear t-strap heels, you are adorable. Congratulations. You probably like old black-and-white movies and participated heavily in your theater program. These shoes are a staple of your wardrobe solely (ha!) because they remind you of your character shoes. (Which you also wear in in public). You can do a perfect Charleston. You stalk the Modcloth website for vintage clothes on the regular. If you wear these shoes, I like you. a lot.
11. Crocs
Whenever I see someone with Crocs on day or night, and let's face it (nobody) should wear Crocs day or night, my tender heart tends to start to bleed... All Galinda-ing aside, I tried to have sympathy for the Crocs-wearers. I could almost grant admonition if you are a nurse or under the age of four. But even then, there are other shoes out there. Beautiful shoes with bows and buttons and ombre laces, among other things. Crocs are just too similar to Donald Duck's feet mixed with a watering can, and they are edible, which is just weird. If you wear crocs, you just haven't seen enough of the world. You don't know what it's like to feel flirty and thriving. Crocs are like the Taco Bell of shoes: it seems convenient, but don't forget you are consuming the lowest grade meat possible. You should love yourself more than that.
12. Whatever... these are...
Fun fact, these are sold out right now. If you wear these barbie head wedges, you might be in need of a new creative outlet. You wear probably the girl that set your own dolls on fire as a child. A female Sid from Toy Story, if I may. You most likely wore these shoes to a niche interest convention, or found them appropriate for the office. At any rate, maybe its time to look into less violent options?
I know my thoughts and ideas on your footwear might be far off the beaten path of reality, but I can assure you they are a melting pot of my observations and my overactive imagination. If you have any other types of shoes you would like me to critique, hit me up with a comment or a message! I am always open to suggestions. Happy July, friends!
P.S. If anyone has any topic suggestions they would like me to write on, I am open to that as well. Thanks, y'all!
Whimsically,
Katie
