Requirements of My Future Husband

Why yes, I am single. Therefore, like any single girl my age, I have compiled a list of attributes for which I wish for my future husband to embody.  I sincerely hope I am not horribly alone in my musings, for if this is the case, I will feel quite freakish and desperate.  That being said, I think it is important for girls to have a sense of the qualities that are needed of a good husband.  Otherwise, we just gamble about, consenting to the first schmuck that shows interest.  Indeed, in matters of both love and friendship, it is necessary to proceed with strong and wise judgment.  I recognize my model will be radically different from many others’ conceptions of a proper man, but alas, I am a radically different human being. I present to you now, live from my room, in the company of my slumbering roommates, the Soul-Mate Checklist

Mr. Right must...

1.   Be able to complete more difficult math problems, such as long division.  This is because I have the mathematical abilities of a shy fourth-grader in the remedial class.  (Bonus points for knowing Pre-Calculus and beyond)

       2.     Be willing to pose for portraits.  What can I say? I love to paint faces. And when I am bored, he better be ready to sit for a couple hours while I scrutinize every angle of his handsome brow. 

      3.     Enjoy ridiculous outfits.  Halloween will be a grandiose celebration in my future household.  My future husband must be willing to don the Hercules costume I so lovingly laid out for him. 

       4.     Accept and embrace chocolate.  A home without chocolate is not really a home.  In fact, it’s more of a prison. Nobody should be deprived of that sweet goodness.

      5.     Not call me “Dishwasher.”  I will have none of that.  My name is Katie, and I am a girl, NOT an appliance.  I will also not stand for making sandwiches, unless the request is prefaced with politeness.  

     

      6.      Do the yard work.  Because I have allergies, sorry. 

      7.     Be nice.  I like niceness.  It is good for the soul, and humanity as a whole.

      8.     Accept that fact that I sing. All the time. Singing in response is not required, but encouraged.  Mr. Right cannot say to me,  “who sings that song? … let’s keep it that way.” I hate that.

      9.     At least attempt at proper hygiene.  Fun Fact: Showering is a definite turn on. 

      10. Not be a cat person.  I mean, he can like cats, but we will never EVER in a million years own a cat.  I use my severe allergy to them as an excuse to mask my intense hatred of their feline maleficence. 

      11. Buy me Barbie toothbrushes.  Brushing one’s teeth is a staple of daily life.  It should at least be somewhat enjoyable.  Barbie makes everything more fun.

       12. Stay up until the wee hours of the morning for fun.  Obviously not all the time, but sleep is overrated. 

       13.  Be social.  I don’t do well with quietness; if I don’t get to converse with others, I go into convulsions.  Those quiet types are always a little shady.  (I realize this is grossly inaccurate and an unfair generalization.)

   

      14. Have his driver’s license.  … Because one of us might as well have those capabilities.

       15.  Not being abusive. I feel this is a necessary quality that many of fail to remember when considering the married life.  I think it would be nice to have a husband who doesn’t hit me, or call me a dumb cow.  Being non-abusive is one of the little things that make life great.

      16.   Saying “no” to drugs.  Except the ones the doctor prescribes.  I find it healthy to be with someone who likes me more than Crystal Meth.

      17. Knows how to read.  Literacy is extremely attractive.

     18. Has an understanding and appreciation of Harry Potter.  Because everybody should. 

    19.  Likes babies.  NEVER trust a guy who doesn’t like babies.  You know something is up if he tries to put your kid in the washing machine.  And turns it on.  And laughs manically.  Actually, at that point, I would say it is about time to call the police.

    20. Likes me.  At least a little bit.  It would be nice if he said “hi” to me every once in a while.

    

     This concludes my ruminations on important qualities in a man.  Feel free to add your own insights or experiences; I love to listen to others’ opinions! And don’t be afraid to make your own checklists of requirements; I found mine quite constructive. 

Whimsically,

Katie.